I haven’t quite decided if sharing secrets bind friends together or tears them apart. I suppose it depends on the secret. Or maybe secrets bind friends together for as long as the secret remains critical. Or as long as the secret it kept just that: a secret.
Even though it happened almost 5 years ago, the repercussions still weigh heavily on me. At the time, this massive secret made us all feel closer to each other. We shared something no one else could possibly feel or understand. It made us stick together like glue — we were each other’s support. We were each other’s survival. I don’t think I could have ever gotten through a time like that without my best friends, and they probably couldn’t either.
And now, 5 years later, I feel like we are all trying to hold onto each other by a thread; trying to feel that closeness we had. I don’t know how much longer we will make an effort to stay in each other’s lives. It seems like they have all moved on with their life. They have been able to work through what happened and move past it. Sometimes I feel I have not.
And I get the sense that they blame me in some way. Not for everything, of course, but for a lot. I get the feeling that talking with me brings back every emotion from 5 years ago. I get the feeling that they all look at me and see Junior Year Amelia, trying to make sure nothing falls apart and sacrificing a lot to make that happen. They can’t fully forgive me. And I don’t blame them one bit. I can’t fully forgive myself, either. I was in the middle of it all, and I dragged them in with me, not wanting to go through it alone. I remind them of what we all went through. They all still talk to each other, and I sometimes find myself feeling very much alone.
We are all clutching on to ghosts of each other, and I don’t know how much longer that is going to last.