Last night I was sexually assaulted. I stayed the night at a male friend’s house, let’s call him John, because my roommate was having a secret sorority meeting early the next morning and I wasn’t allowed in the house. John and I went out with some friends and had a really good time. We went back to his place where I was going to sleep on the couch, but the dog had peed on it. John said I could bunk with him. I told him nothing was going to happen and that I just wanted to sleep, which he said was just fine. Apparently, however, he thought I was joking or something.

The next thing I know, he is lying behind me, his arms around my neck and waist, and he is biting my neck. I kept telling him to stop, and I kept trying to push him away. He eventually let go and called me a “buzzkill” and “no fun”. He told me that he knew I liked it, I was just being difficult. I tried to get up and leave, but he pulled me back and wouldn’t let go. He kept biting and biting and I thought, maybe if I just stop struggling he will stop.

So I did. I stopped struggling, and he eventually stopped, calling me “boring”. I tried to get up a few more times and leave, but he kept pulling me back, biting me and trying to put his hands down my pants. Eventually, he fell asleep and I managed to slip out.

The funny thing is the sexual assault from someone I trusted isn’t the thing that is really shaking me up right now. What is getting to me is the fact that I am blaming myself.

As a former RA, I was trained on how to handle sexual assaults. I was trained on women’s right and how “no” means “no”. But I can’t help but think to myself, “This is on me. I put myself in that situation.” Maybe I could have been no forceful with my “no”s. Maybe I could have avoided the situation by sleeping in my car. Maybe if I was more clear with my lack of desire. He kept calling be boring and a buzzkill and no fun, and I honestly felt bad for ruining his time.

My friends want me to go to the police, but I won’t. I know I should, but what will they say? Will they believe me? I wasn’t even raped, and the only thing I have to show is bite marks and hickeys. What if I am being over dramatic or remembering it wrong? And I don’t want to ruin someone’s life over this. But on the other hand, I don’t want him to ruin someone else’s life if he does this again.

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About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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