Heart vs. Head

Today I found out that I have been accepted into my dream speech pathology graduate program. Through this program, I will have a job working as a speech pathology assistant in a school district, meaning I will have a big-girl job and be paid with big-girl money. I will be locked into this job for 4 years, but I will be financially independent.

So why have I been uncontrollably crying since I found out?

Tom. England. Studying abroad. Those will all be gone with my acceptance into this graduate program.

The plan was to go study abroad for a year in England and pick up a second degree in psychology. I had the
opportunity to be with Tom for a least one more year. But now that plan is shot to hell, unless I decline the graduate program.

You see, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot to say the least. Should I choose the path that is theoretically the better one and more of a sure thing, or should I choose the path that is more adventurous and uncertain? My whole life, my mother has groomed me for this decision. <em>”Never change your plans for something that is not a sure-fire thing!”</em> she would say. <em>”Don’t ever let love fool you into making decisions.”</em> And here I am, wanting to do the exact opposite of of everything my mother has told and taught me. I would be lying if I said Tom has no weight on my decision whatsoever. I mean of course he does. He has to do with a good majority of my decision. Even if we break up before or while I’m in England, I will have lots of British boys to help heal my wounded heart and a great and beautiful country to do it in.

But everyone tells me I need to take Tom out of the equation. I need to not make a decision based on love or emotions. I resent the fact that society thinks it’s wrong for me to decide to follow a boy to England. Why can’t love be just as big of a factor as any other? Why is the “better decision” always have to be the one where love is left behind and ignored?

Everyone also says that Tom and I can try a long distance relationship. They say <em>”If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be.”</em> and that’s a load of bullshit. What determines if it is “meant to be” is me and my decision. They say that if we truly love each other, we can go a year or two without physical contact. There is a reason I’m not actively seeking an army wife position. I’m a physical person. I need physical reassurance. I don’t think it matters how much Tom and I love each other, I don’t think I would be able to emotionally handle long distance like that. When I miss someone, I physically ache for them. My whole body hurts, like it’s trying to rip itself in two and send one half to that person. I don’t want to feel that for a whole year.

I should have known not to date this British boy. I should have known to stay away, because I knew it would lead to this. I know I have to choose America over England, even though every fiber of my heart is screaming at me not to. I have to choose the best option over possibly the best time of my life. I have to choose graduate school over Tom. And I will have to end my undergraduate career and begin my graduate career with a big, ugly, broken heart.

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About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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