I am fresh out of my counseling appointment, and an interesting idea was brought up at the very end. It is a question that has been floating around in my head for a while, and it is sometimes the topic of my private musings, but I had never said it out loud until today. My counselor suggested writing about it, so here I am, writing about it.
What if I feel wrong?
Like, the way I process emotion. What if it’s wrong? I laughed in a situation when I should have been hurt and pissed. I get presents and don’t get excited about them like other people do. Not genuinely, anyway.
I have this really nifty gift of being able to make myself feel emotions. If I am supposed to feel excited for something, then I make myself feel excited. I don’t know how to explain it, but there have only been 3 moments in my life where I have genuinely felt strong emotion: the two times my little sister has died and the day Pricer left (maybe two more, but I can’t think of them right now). There have been plenty of times where I should have had a strong emotional reaction, but I didn’t. I suppose I felt something — my mind gets all cloudy and grey and it feels like there are hands pressing down on my mind — but I can’t comprehend the emotion I am supposed to feel, so I make it up. I think of how I am supposed to feel and then I act and make myself believe that I feel it. There have been several times where I have made myself feel extremely angry to match a situation, and when no one is looking I relax my face and make all of the anger go away, just to see if I can. And then someone looks back at me, and I bring back all of the anger.
“But Amelia, what about all of those times you have talked about your depression?” Well, my dear reader, everyone’s depression is different. For me, I go numb. I can’t comprehend feelings and the whole mind getting cloudy bit I just mentioned happens. Again, it’s difficult to describe because I can’t quite describe it myself.
I know that when people are supposed to feel happy, typically I do not. When people are supposed to react negatively to a situation, I do not. I pretend, I make myself feel these things. I don’t know if this is just me, or if everyone is as good of a pretender as I am.
That isn’t to say I don’t feel emotion at all — I’ve just noticed it with strong emotion. I get upset at things and with people, and I also can feel happiness and love and hope. But when an occasion calls for me to react suddenly and without being able to process the situation in its entirety, I find my emotions are lacking.
Perhaps I’m over-exaggerating all of this. Perhaps this is a figment of my imagination, or perhaps this sort of thing only occurs during certain times of high stress. I haven’t paid attention enough to every moment I have “felt” strongly about something, and maybe I should start doing that. So far this thing hasn’t been affecting me in a major way, but what if it does? My counselor brought up the excellent point that there may come a day where all of those strong emotions I was supposed to feel are released from wherever I have managed to bury them and flood my mind with all of the horrible things I have repressed over the years. I don’t anticipate that happening, but it is an important “what-if” scenario that I need to have a plan for. So, now that I know there is a higher possibility of me exploding than previously thought, my next course of action is to know what to do if that were to ever happen.
Ending these sort of introspective blog posts is awkward, so I’m just going to stop typing now.