Your current title has the prefix ex in front of it, meaning former. Please observe your title and follow the correct procedures that have been previously laid out for you after the break-up event. If you need a reminder, these procedures are:
- The ex-boyfriend shall not have any contact with the ex-girlfriend per her instructions. If this procedure is broken, imminent death by shark is unavoidable.
- The ex-boyfriend shall not pop up into the ex-girlfriend’s life every six months or anytime she is interested in someone else. This violates procedure number one, and it is just plain fucking annoying.
- There is to especially be no contact between the ex-boyfriend and the ex-girlfriend if either are in a current relationship. If the ex-boyfriend’s current relationship also includes a baby, as it does in this case, then the death penalty may be avoided, but punishment will include being followed around by a swarm of angry bees for the rest of eternity.
- If you feel as if any of these procedures are unfair or should not exist, then please send your complaints to Up Your Ass. Complaints take 7-10 days to process, after which the Bureau will respond within 5-7 millennia. If you feel as if this process will take to long, send your complaints to I Don’t Give a Shit, who will then forward your complaint to Up Your Ass.
Allow me to take this moment to remind you that it has been a full year since our unfortunate break-up, and that you should have done all of your ‘reflecting on the relationship’ during that one year period. Since you met and got engaged to a woman whose unborn baby you’re adopting, I feel as if you have moved on, and I’m not understanding your attempt at communication again. As stated in the procedures, I had requested absolutely no contact since the demise of our relationship, and yet you continue to repeatedly break that clause. I have been able to delay death by shark, but you are forcing my hand. Next attempted contact, I will have no choice but to release the shark. I would also like to take this time to say I am tired getting used to the idea of never contacting you again and then being dragged back into your life on a random-ass day you decided was appropriate to try and talk to me.
This is me, moving forward again, for the third time and hopefully the final time.
Until never again,