During the spring break of my junior year in high school, I hit my wall. I burned out, hard. I remember sitting at the kitchen table in my house, feeling angry and confused and upset and tired all at the same time. I was screaming and swearing up and down that I wouldn’t go to college. Instead my plan was to move to Europe and live by the side of a mountain with human civilization hundreds of miles away. This mountain would have a lake by it and I would farm and have animals and solar panels on my house and my only companion would be a dog named Fido (original, right?). The point was that I was done with education and I was done with people. I was just tired. Granted, I was extremely depressed at the time as well, but tired nonetheless.
Starting my third semester in college, I am starting to feel that tiredness again. I’m miraculously fitting 4 years of college into 3 years, and this spring semester I am taking 20 hours as well as continuing to be an RA and an active member in the Deaf community and other organizations as well. Last semester I overcommitted myself several times, but I was able to put a smile on and keep going. I don’t think I can do that this time. I’m starting to get tired of homework, of going to class, of my wonderful girls. Just thinking about having 3 more years after this semester (1 for my undergrad and 2 for my graduate degree) is making me want to huddle under a desk and cry.
“Well, why don’t you graduate in 3 1/2 or in the regular 4 years?” you ask. That is an excellent question, andI’m still more sure about the answer to that. Perhaps some of it is that I have already told everyone I am graduating in 3 and they are all so impressed with me. I’m afraid that if I take that back and say that I’m instead drawing it out to 4 years, then they will think less of me. And to be honest, I will think less of myself. I haven’t figured out a way to be okay with changing my plan and taking longer to graduate, and until I do find a way I will be sticking with the plan I have now. I also want to move out of these stupid dorms and get my own place and get a cat. If I stay for a year longer than planned, I will most definitely have to be an RA again, which means shared bathrooms, no kitchen, a 10 x 10 room, and no cat. I’m just not okay with that.
Last semester I was so excited to be an RA, and I put my heart and soul into it. This semester I’m so irritated with my girls, and I have lost a lot of motivation to be super active. Honestly? I just want to sleep whenever I can. I love my girls to death, but sometimes sleep isn’t an option with them. I can tell them over and over again to be quiet when it is midnight and I am trying to sleep, but I think they have stopped listening to me even though they think I am a great RA. I don’t want to become the mean RA or the passive RA, but I don’t know what else to do. Also I am having to deal with losing the respect of one of my residents. I have busted her for alcohol, for Adderall (not prescribed) and for having a fake ID. I have been doing my job, and she hates me for it. I just want to help her, I’m not looking to get her into trouble. I didn’t think losing the respect of one of my residents would affect me this much, but it does.
Bottom line this semester I will be riding the struggle bus real hard. Hopefully I can get through it without going batshit crazy.