Isn’t it weird how one little comment can get you thinking back on your life in one instant? It is like you are constantly looking forward, planning your next move for the day or for the year or for your life, and then someone asks you that fatal comment that can send you hurling back to years you just don’t want to remember. What is that comment, you ask?
It seems like you are doing a lot better these past few months.
And though that comment may be true, I think back on when I wasn’t better. In those vital seconds between the comment and my response, I remember every bad time, every bad decision, every moment I thought I wasn’t going to make it. And man, do I feel stupid for having that time in my life. I look back on it and think Amelia, what the hell was that? You knew better. How could that have possibly ended well? I remember all of the crazy that happened and wonder how the hell anyone put up with me when I could barely put up with myself. I think back to those bad times and all I can envision is this beaten down girl who looks like a hot mess, whose eye haven’t seen happiness in god knows how long. That was not the girl I wanted to be. That girl made me angry, that girl made me hate her. And I never, ever want to see her again.
Now, with all of that said, I love it when I get that comment. Sure, it brings me back to that awful time in my life where I couldn’t hide my struggles and everyone saw them clear as day. But then after those thoughts, I come back to the present moment, and I see where I am now. Let me tell you, I think I am rockin’ it. I have put so much distance between myself and that girl it isn’t even funny. I see where I am now, and I am proud of myself. I feel like I am doing the best I have ever been, and I feel more grounded than ever before. I have a path set for me and I can see it clearly. I know where I am going, I know what I need to do. I look in the mirror and I don’t look beaten or tired, I look excited and ready. I see the girl I was and the girl I am, and I honestly have no idea how they can be related, how they can be the same person just a year apart.
Sure, people saw the girl I was, but they see the girl I am too. They have noticed the change, and they are proud right along with me. I am the happiest I have been in years, even when I still have my dark moments. I don’t think I ever want to forget who I was, because then I lose the drive to never be her again. So keep it coming, people. Say it. Tell me how I look like I’m doing better. Because you know what? I am. And thank you for reminding me.