There are moments when I want to feel this rib crushing sadness. Call me crazy. I want to not be able to breath because my silent cries block my airway. I want my stomach to clench in agony as I double over, clutching my shirt and pulling on it as if that will make me feel any better. I want there to be a break in the silent sobs, where just for a moment, sound escapes and it is the most devastating sound you think you will ever hear in your life. I want to feel the walls close in on me, the darkness creep its way into the crevices of my being and pervade my body so that I can no longer move. I want to feel as if there is no way out, as if I will never recover.
I want to feel alive. I want to feel. I want to be so deep in the darkness that when I finally see a small glimmer of white light I reach for it with all my strength and crawl like a wounded animal until my fingertips can caress such sweet light. And once I touch it, the light will wrap around my arms and pull me into it, pushing the darkness out and away.
I want to feel the journey from a broken heart to mending spirit.
That is why I miss acting so much. Because I am able to take these emotions I am supposed to play and actually feel them. I am able to assume the emotions of any individual as if they were my own.
It feels good to feel every once in a while.