I’m currently having a slight panic attack.
At 1:30 in the morning.
What am I panicking about you ask? My cat.
What was I thinking when I adopted her? I can’t have a cat. I live in a dorm, and I will for at least another year. I’m not allowed to have a cat. And I’m going to be an RA this coming up year. I can’t break the rules and have a cat.
I need to take her back to the shelter. But oh my god, what is that going to do to her? She has already been given up once. I am literally crying my eyes out right now because I don’t want to think about how much her little heart will break being given up a second time. I don’t want her to think anything is wrong with her. I don’t want to take her to the shelter in a box and watch her being caged up again and looked at like a product on the shelf. I don’t want to have to see the look in her eyes when I am handing her over, because I will look in those precious eyes and see her confused and scared asking “Mommy, what is happening? Where am I going? Am I going to be okay? Mommy… why are you giving me away? I promise I will be extra good if you just take me home.”
But this cat, my Jellorium, has given me so much happiness since I got her. When I’m at work I want to go home to her as quickly as I can and when I am home I never want to leave. I want her to curl up by me every night when we go to sleep. I want her to get excited for bed time and crawl onto my chest as soon as I get into bed. I want her to jump into my lap when I am doing homework. I don’t want any of that to go away. I don’t want her to go away. Ever. But I know the day will come very soon where I will have to take her back. Because what was I thinking? Knowing that soon I will have to live without those things makes me anxious every day. I see her and I am happy, and then I get sad and anxious because I know this happiness won’t last very much longer.
Why can’t I just keep a cat in my room and have people be okay with it?
Why am I crying so hard over a cat?