As promised, here is a post about hunger.
More like a confession.
Perhaps if I admit this on a public forum, I will get better. It will make it go away.
I have a problem. It has persisted since Christmas, and I don’t exactly know how to stop it. Over my Christmas break, I stopped eating. I don’t know why exactly. I suppose I was stressed, things weren’t going the way they should have gone, the way I wanted them to go. It got to the point where I became physically ill. I mentioned this in a previous blog post, one of the first ones. I felt sick all the time, and eventually my body responded by beginning to violently shake. After a few weeks, I began to eat again. In fact, during “that time of the month” in February, I ate so much that I made myself sick. Well, I also made my stomach get bigger. Permanently bigger. Skip to now.
I noticed that my stomach wasn’t flat like it used to be. And so my thoughts began to take hold again. I would compromise with myself – I would eat lunch but not breakfast or dinner. For lunch I would have a sandwich. That seemed reasonable. And then I didn’t want to eat lunch because my stomach was still big from yesterday’s lunch. And anytime I had an event to go to – a date, a party, etc. – I wouldn’t eat that day at all in hopes that my stomach would magically flatten by the time I had to go somewhere.
People always make the comment “What are you, 100 pounds soaking wet??” And I would just laugh it off, and say that “Nooooo, I have a food baby I am trying to get rid of!” To which they would respond “You are a stick!” And I wanted that to be true, so I would skip the next meal. I eat on and off. At work, in front of people, I will eat. But when I am home, I can’t. And when I get puke sick, I get excited because that means my stomach will be flat the next day. But as soon as I have a bite to eat, my stomach puffs out again, and the cycle starts over. Eventually I will get so hungry that I cave and eat, but that is eventually.
It’s taken me a long time to admit that I might have a problem. And now that all of you know, maybe that problem will go away.