For All the Things I Said

Tonight I opened up an email from my mommy. Our family has been going through some tough times recently, and though this email is a little personal I wanted to share it to show the world how loving my mommy is, even when I sometimes can’t see it. It reads:

Just wanted to let you know I am sorry for any emotional trauma i have caused you girls. I can assure you it was unintentional and only in thinking that what I was saying would be instructional and helpful. I take full responsibility for everything I have said and how I said it. Know that I know I am too blunt and have a hard time not looking at everything with a critical eye. This is a tough world to live in at times. I thought I was toughening you up or trying to prevent others from hurting you— so I would sometimes say what I though those in the outside world would say to you. I have tried so hard to make your childhood better than my own. Your dad says the same. And where as it has been much better than your dads or mine, I acknowledge it has not always been the best and that you both have had to deal with your dads personality problems and mine and the fallout from that between us. None of this was your fault, yet I was unemotionally available for portions of your childhood as a result. I withdrew into myself just to survive your dad many times. I hope you can forgive me and be open to mending our own relationships just as my own mother myself and my sister Michaela have been able to do the same between us. The darkness of our childhood still haunts grandma Linda even though we tell her we forgive her and do not blame her. Praise god you both have not had to endure some of those traumas. Someday maybe we can share our thoughts and feelings about our childhoods. What you need to know now is that you both are turning into young adults and your future is in your hands and your decisions will dictate the path of your lives. I am here for you. I will try to listen when you just want me to listen. Just tell me that up front. Otherwise I will do what I do best and that is to advise. I seek advice from my successful friends when I feel I need to in order to help your both. There is no stone I will leave unturned in an effort to help you. I have no pride when it comes to asking for whatever help my daughters need. I lean on the friends god has blessed me (us) with. Make no mistake— God’s hand is at work in your lives through my prayers and my friends. Ask them. They know and believe the same for themselves. I imagine sometimes that there will be a day when we open our arms to each other and it will be a true embrace full of caring and love. My arms are open and waiting—-until the end of time, no matter what path you chose for your own lives. I will be forever your mommy, just like when you had no cares in the world as a little child. I will probably always yearn to guide and advise, but I will try to save it for when you ask. I love you both and am sooo incredibly proud of you. Never forget that.

She finished the email with a clip from one of my favorite songs.

“Nothing is as bad as it seems,
We’ll come clean.
Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough.
Just a second, we’re not broken
Just bent
And we can learn to love again.
It’s in the stars, it’s been written in the scars
On our hearts.
We’re not broken
Just bent
And we can learn to love again.”


About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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