Mommy.

My entire high school career I was convinced that when I graduated I would move out and barely talk to my parents. To me, my mother was horrid. The things she said to me crushed me, her actions baffled me and left me heart broken. My father infuriated me with his decisions that affected the whole family, and his temper was out of control. The fights between my parents bothered me enormously and I just wanted to get out of the house.

Last night I had a dream. A bad dream. And in that dream, I received a call from my mother. I was busy doing something, I don’t remember what, but I missed the call and she left a voice message. I saw the message late at night and didn’t bother to listen to it or call her back, thinking I would in the morning. The next morning I wake up to a phone call from someone informing me that my mother had died. I hung up the phone and didn’t say a word. I just packed my things and drove home. The next thing I remember is being at my mother’s funeral. I see her casket and it suddenly hits me. I will never see her again. I will never talk to her again. I remembered the voice message on my phone and decide to listen to it. It was my mother’s cheery voice, calling me sweetie and that she was just calling to check up on me and that she loved me and would talk to me later. I never got to call her back and tell her that I loved her too. I never got to talk to her later.

And I ran.

I got up and ran. I was screaming my lungs out, my tears coming like waterfalls. I couldn’t breathe, but I kept running. I was trying to run from the reality, from the sadness, from the guilt. I missed my mother’s phone call. Her last phone call. And then I woke up crying just as hard as I was in my dream. It was 5:30 in the morning, and I reached for my phone, and I called my mother. She answered, asked if anything was wrong, and I told her. And I felt relieved. She was still here, I could still hear her voice.

Since that dream I have been thinking. I don’t want to lose my mommy. She is much to precious to me. Even though she says the wrong things, she does so out of love. Her and I are the same. We have been been in the darkness, in the Rabbit Hole. She has been through worse than I have, but she is living proof that I can make it. She is so terribly strong, and I look up to her. My mother wasn’t ever that bad during my high school days. She tried what she thought would work because that is what she experienced at my age. She has fought so many demons for so long. My mother is a remarkable woman. I have a loving, caring, passionate, patient, selfless mother who refuses to give up for the sake of her children. I could only ever hope to turn out to be the kind of woman she is.

I came home today and the first thing I did was embrace my mom, and she held me for a long time. I didn’t ever want to leave those arms because they were so warm and safe. I don’t ever want to lose those arms. I always call her when I am having a bad day or a bad moment, or just to say hello and catch up. What will I do when I can’t do that anymore? Thinking about the dream and that time are making me cry right now. As soon as I hit the publish post button, I am running into my mother’s room and crawling into her bed. I don’t care if I’m 19 years old.

I still need my mommy.

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About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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