Unpretty

There are days where I think I look decent. There are even days where I think I look attractive. But mostly I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t see anything worthwhile. I see a girl who looks twelve with a big nose, eyes with overwhelming eyelids, an uneven chin, an awkward mouth shape, no cheekbones, big ears, gums that are too exposed when I smile, and boring dull brown eyes. That is just my face.

And then I see her, and she is so beautiful. Definitely an upgrade from me. But who am I kidding, he downgraded with me. Anything, anyone would have been an improvement.

It’s difficult to see yourself as someone who has the potential to be pretty when history has a tendency to point out that is not the case. Sophomore year my mother sat me down when I was crying because I didn’t feel pretty. Her response was:

“There are naturally beautiful people, and then there are ordinary people, and then there are homely people. You fall into the middle category. You are ordinary, there is nothing overly special about your looks. You have to work to look beautiful. So do I. Unfortunately you aren’t naturally beautiful. But you aren’t homely either.”

There would be mornings when I would walk down the stairs and my mother stops, looks at me, and says “Aren’t you going to put some makeup on?” When I say no, she says “Oh, well you should think about doing that. Maybe some coverup and mascara, at least.”

And then there are the people at school. The boys, mainly. In high school, I was the Queen of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. The girl who had nothing to flaunt. The board. Boys would often joke with me, commenting on how they thought their boobs were bigger than mine, which they were probably right about that. Older brothers who kept asking me why I was wearing a bra because it is obviously unnecessary.  My father who jokingly made a passing comment when my sister asked what bra size I was. He walked by and, without a beat, said “Negative three.” When I look in the mirror without any clothes on, I hate myself. My tummy isn’t flat, I’m super pale, my ass is just normal, I have mosquito bites for breasts. My thighs are huge and jiggle. The other night I got sick and puked for two hours, and the next morning I realized my tummy shrank and that made me extremely happy. A few months ago, I stopped eating for a bit.

I’m unhappy with myself and I want to fix it, but there is really no way. Sure, I can begin exercising, but I will still look in the mirror and dream of the day I can fix my nose, get fake boobs, fix my ears, fix my eyes.

I feel unpretty.

But she is gorgeous. No wonder.

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About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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3 Responses to Unpretty

  1. andiemae says:

    nonononononono.
    You cannot compare yourself to her.
    Get those thoughts out of your mind.
    They will only lead to a horrible horrible end.
    You ARE beautiful.
    I HATE that your mother said that to you. You ARE BEAUTIFUL.
    As for the boob thing….When you find the right guy, that won’t be a problem. He will love you for your heart not your body. And your heart is beautiful as well.

  2. Sovereigngurl says:

    I know i can’t tell you… because no one could tell me… but you are beautiful. Please do not let your mother’s disappointment and self loathing become your mantra.
    You are naturally beautiful you always have been… Itty bitty titties or not.
    Puking your guts out won’t make you like yourself more just because you get a small stomach. Getting fake boobs or a nose job won’t help (trust me because I did the former) Infact it makes you hate yourself more because even with that you don’t feel better… even with large breasts you will not think yourself any better or worse. Listen to me when I say this… you will feel WORSE. you will hate your self MORE after a while of puking meals/skipping meals and changing your body.
    I’m sorry that you feel the need to look at “her” and think she’s an upgrade because you don’t know her at all. After about an hour its all a person can do not to rip her head off. He didn’t choose her because she was “better” than you or an “upgrade” but because she has a pre-made family that he thinks he’s entitled to. They want the same things out of life that you two never did.
    Please look for a way to accept that he wasn’t meant for you. that you’re one of a kind and that your mom’s issues don’t have to be yours. you don’t live under her roof anymore. you can chart your own path.
    Please know that people love you for who you are, that people are jealous of your body (and probably won’t tell you due to their own insecurities) and please understand that the only thing that will make you love yourself is to stop comparing yourself to everyone else. They aren’t you for a reason. your body is the way it is for a reason. If I could scrub off these burns I would. I would do it in a heartbeat but I have them for a reason and your shape is the way it is for a reason. I’ve learned Its my job to be an inspiration that I was given this body because only I could handle it. Please recognize that this is your cross to bear and you can either embrace it and be strengthened by it or you can be crushed by it. The later leads you to a never ending cycle of self loathing and self pity while the former turns you into the person you really want to be… someone who recognizes she has more to give and a reason to be loved.
    I love you.
    Jesus Loves You.
    There is more in the mirror than you think. but you can’t see it till you stop comparing it to other’s who by the way have too much makeup on all the time. just fyi.

  3. ameliaalexis says:

    You both are the light of my worlds. I know everything you say is true, it is just hard to accept that and actually believing. It is something I am working on. There are usually a few days each month where I just hate myself, and then I am okay. But thank you for all of your encouragement, I couldn’t do anything without you both.

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