There are days where I think I look decent. There are even days where I think I look attractive. But mostly I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t see anything worthwhile. I see a girl who looks twelve with a big nose, eyes with overwhelming eyelids, an uneven chin, an awkward mouth shape, no cheekbones, big ears, gums that are too exposed when I smile, and boring dull brown eyes. That is just my face.
And then I see her, and she is so beautiful. Definitely an upgrade from me. But who am I kidding, he downgraded with me. Anything, anyone would have been an improvement.
It’s difficult to see yourself as someone who has the potential to be pretty when history has a tendency to point out that is not the case. Sophomore year my mother sat me down when I was crying because I didn’t feel pretty. Her response was:
“There are naturally beautiful people, and then there are ordinary people, and then there are homely people. You fall into the middle category. You are ordinary, there is nothing overly special about your looks. You have to work to look beautiful. So do I. Unfortunately you aren’t naturally beautiful. But you aren’t homely either.”
There would be mornings when I would walk down the stairs and my mother stops, looks at me, and says “Aren’t you going to put some makeup on?” When I say no, she says “Oh, well you should think about doing that. Maybe some coverup and mascara, at least.”
And then there are the people at school. The boys, mainly. In high school, I was the Queen of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. The girl who had nothing to flaunt. The board. Boys would often joke with me, commenting on how they thought their boobs were bigger than mine, which they were probably right about that. Older brothers who kept asking me why I was wearing a bra because it is obviously unnecessary. My father who jokingly made a passing comment when my sister asked what bra size I was. He walked by and, without a beat, said “Negative three.” When I look in the mirror without any clothes on, I hate myself. My tummy isn’t flat, I’m super pale, my ass is just normal, I have mosquito bites for breasts. My thighs are huge and jiggle. The other night I got sick and puked for two hours, and the next morning I realized my tummy shrank and that made me extremely happy. A few months ago, I stopped eating for a bit.
I’m unhappy with myself and I want to fix it, but there is really no way. Sure, I can begin exercising, but I will still look in the mirror and dream of the day I can fix my nose, get fake boobs, fix my ears, fix my eyes.
I feel unpretty.
But she is gorgeous. No wonder.