After years and years of seeking closure, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing. It does not exist. Every relationship I have fallen out of, every friendship that has failed, every time I have hurt someone, I have wanted some sort of what I thought was “closure”. I would slave over it. I would loose sleep over it. I would cry over it. I would beg for it, but it would never come. The outcome I was looking for never happened, so I was forced to deal with the idea that I will always and forever have this hole inside me that was supposed to be fixed by receiving “closure”. I am here to tell you that I will no longer devote my life to it. Because it simply doesn’t exist.
Ladies and gentlemen, look at past relationships. Look at how they dissolved and crumbled right before your eyes and there was nothing you could do except watch. Look at how you would grasp to keep the pieces together, but they would just fall through your fingers like sand. All of the moments, the memories, the words, the feelings, the emotions — all lost. And why? You had no idea. You look at the barren land that was once your relationship and you wonder what they hell happened. You think back to try and pinpoint a breaking point, but find none. All of this happened not by your choice, but by theirs. And we all have the same brilliant idea: “Well, it wasn’t our fault. Maybe my lover knows what happened. Maybe they can give me the answers I so desperately want.” So you ask them, and then you argue about it, because what they are saying doesn’t match up with the images in your head. They say that you changed, or it just wasn’t working out, so you argue that you didn’t change, it would have worked out if this would have happened. Let me be the first to tell you, this is not closure. You are not seeking closure.
In fact, what you are trying to do is one of two things.
- You are trying to get them to admit the entire thing was their fault and they are totally in the wrong.
- You are trying to convince them that breaking up was a mistake by arguing and pointing out all of the good times or trying to correct their perception of things so that they will take you back. You want a second chance, but no matter how hard you try you aren’t going to get it.
This is not closure. This is torture. And it has been a hard lesson for me to learn. When we say we want closure, we really want our ex to see things from our perspective. We want him to see that he made a mistake or that he was a jerk or to come to his senses.
“I want to see him again so I an have closure.” No, you want to see him again so he can see how hurt you are, feel bad, and take you back. Or have break up sex. Or both. Not necessarily in that order.
“How am I supposed to gain closure when he won’t call?” You aren’t, because it doesn’t exist. Him calling will just keep you hanging on.
When we try to force this idea of closure, we often end up feeling more hurt and confused than before. Closure doesn’t come from anyone else but ourselves. So, in a way, I suppose the idea of closure does exist, just not through someone else. We have to become okay with the present situation. We have to be able to close that chapter of our lives by ourselves without looking back. And it is possibly one of the most difficult things a person will have to do. But it is so worth it.