1) I was going through my best friend/big sister’s wedding pictures, and damn she looks absolutely gorgeous. I realized her looks definitely match her personality, and both were radiant through the pictures. She looked more than happy. She looked like a woman should when gazing into the eyes of the man she will love for the rest of her life. Every moment, every gaze was captured perfectly, and I got to be apart of that. I get to look at pictures and tell how utterly intoxicated she was with joy. And for her, when she looks at those pictures, she feels something completely different.

For her, looking at those pictures don’t elicit feelings of remembering or longing to go back to that day, because she lives those feelings perfectly captured in photos every day. She gives him the same blissfully in love look when they are sitting together on the couch watching a movie. She gets that smile every time they touch.

For him, he looks at her the same way in the pictures as he would when he wakes up to her glowing face in the morning. He holds her the same way when he gives her a hug hello or good bye. Those pictures simply remind them of what they have every day. And all I do is sit there and wonder what such a deep, passionate love would feel like.

2) My friend said something profound the other day, which I did not think her capable of. We were sitting at a table, and she sullenly looks at me.

“It’s weird, isn’t it. For a few months or a few years, you think the rest of your life is figured out. You think you know which arms you will crawl into every night or what lips you get to kiss every day. You spend so much time memorizing their every crease, every muscle, every curve, just in case they can’t be right beside you. You become so familiar with a person, and you are certain you will have that familiarity for the rest of your days. You think you don’t have to worry about getting hurt ever again. For those few months, promises are promises you don’t doubt. The words ‘I love you’ bring music to your ears and doesn’t make you cringe. You know who you will be with and who will love you. And then, in just one short minute, that all changes. Promises become doubtful, the words ‘I love you’ bring you pain instead of comfort, the familiarity of a person comes back to haunt you. And then suddenly, all of the certainty is gone. The person you thought you would grow old with isn’t there anymore. And that sucks.”

And she is completely right.

3) If you are in a relationship with someone, you call them when you feel scared or worried or alone. Not your ex. If your ex is the only person you feel safe and comfortable talking about those things with, then you need to take a step back and rethink things. The person you care for most is the person you need to be dating, the person you need to tell those things to. Please, do not drag your ex back into the past by accidentally calling her baby or telling her that you miss the sound of her voice. Because that hurts worse than the first time you drug her through the mud. No matter how much she loves you, there will be a time where she will say enough is enough. And this is that time.

This rabbit hole is more difficult than I thought.


About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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