What to do?

As I am walking to class at 8:30 in the morning, I am hit with a memory from out of the blue. It is one that I haven’t had in a while, and I don’t know exactly why it came to me. But it did, and I was brought  to tears. It was one of those memories we would use whenever the other was having a bad day or whenever we got into arguments. Once we were reminded of that memory, everything seemed to fall right back into place and we were perfect again. It is a memory I used to replay over and over in my head to make myself miserable.

The frying pan was sizzling with bacon, almost harmoniously with the eggs I was cooking. The spatula I was using scraped against the bottom of the pan as the liquify eggs began to take form. “Hand me the salt and pepper please,” I said and looked into his eyes. “Of course, m’lady,” he replied, looking back at me with his fake smoulder.

It was early in the morning, around 7. We had stayed up all night talking and confessing and crying. Everyone else was still sound asleep and we were hungry.

I giggled and took the salt and pepper from him and began shaking them both into the eggs, dancing to the beat of the shaking. He started dancing with me, bumping hips for a moment before I laughed and said “Stop! You’re making me spill!” We both laughed and he leaved over and kissed me on the cheek. “Oh, I need another plate for the bacon.” He began to walk around me, his hand gliding along my lower waist. He paused right behind me and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his body up against mine. I continued to stir the eggs as his head slid in next the mine and kissed my cheek again. His nose was nuzzled in my neck and then his mouth moved against my ear.

“I can do this.”

“What do  you mean?”

“I can do this. I can make breakfast with you for the rest of my life.”

What are you supposed to do with a memory like that? I can’t ever forget that morning we made breakfast. Part of it is because that was the first mention of him wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. Part of it is because I had never felt at peace like that before. That morning… no matter what could have happened that day, I was relaxed. I felt in control, I felt like this is how life is supposed to be. Calm and peaceful and filled with love. There has only been one other time I have felt at peace like that, and it was New Years Eve.

It was cold outside, dark. Some stars were peeking through the black sky. I run out of the doors and and follows me with the same enthusiasm. We had just seen Les Miserables. It was his second surprise to me that day. His first was calling me earlier that day and saying “So… pack a bag. I’m coming to see you.”

He quickly caught up to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, picked me up and spun me around. I squealed with joy. He put my legs down only to cup them with his arms again and picked me up once more, this time like he was walking me through the thresh hold of a house. He smiled at me and stared into my eyes before kissing me. He opened the door to the car and placed me inside, shutting the door after giving me another quick kiss. Back to the hotel we went.

Fast forward to bed time. He was fast asleep and I was too excited to stay asleep. Every time I moved, his lips would search to find me, any part of me, and give me a small kiss. Every time. He would pull me in closer and nuzzle his nose in the back of my neck. Around 5 A.M. I began to shake. I hadn’t eaten for days because I was too stressed and too depressed, and it had finally caught up with me. He woke up and immediately knew what was going on. He enveloped me into his whole body, saying over and over again that he was going to take me to the hospital and kissing me. Finally he picked me up out of bed, put some clothes on me, and took me into the lobby of the hotel. He sat me in a chair and picked out some breakfast things from the breakfast bar and made me eat. He looked into my eyes and said “Please, baby. I care about you. Stop doing this to yourself.”

If only he knew he was the reason I couldn’t eat. That was the last time I saw him.

What do you do with a memory like that? Nothing, I suppose.

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About returntoneverland

All around procrastinator, screw-up extraordinaire.
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