The second half of 2012 was… well. To be quite honest, it was a badly written sappy romance novel. I met a boy who has forever changed my life – a boy who challenged and bewitched me body and soul – a boy who took my sorrow and pain and darkness and buried them – a boy who picked me up and lifted me out of the rabbit hole and into the sunlight.
And then he let go, and back down I fell.
I have never experienced something so violently beautiful before. The darkness is something I am familiar with, but I have never taken the chance to really explore what is in the darkness. You know when you watch a new movie, and then you watch it for a second time and realize all of the brilliant things you missed? My junior and senior year of high school, I was falling down the dark rabbit hole for the first time. Everything was happening so fast, all I wanted to do was grab ahold of something – anything – to get me to stop or slow me down. My nails were scraping the side of the muddy walls trying to find that something, but eventually the falling became floating, and I accepted that for a time until a special someone came along and told me not to accept that. He reached down into the rabbit hole and grabbed my hand. And so I began the long and tedious ascent with him at my side, guiding me. I discovered he was in the rabbit hole too, and so we guided each other.
The second fall is such a rush. In the rabbit hole I see images of how my mind works, the similarities and differences with other people’s minds. I am beginning to understand, from the pictures, how to help myself. I am beginning to learn about myself, which is funny to me because I thought I had myself mostly figured out. When he let go, I didn’t close my eyes and hold my breath and wait for impact. I took a deep breath and dove in head first.
I’m going to conquer this rabbit hole. This is the beginning.